Tuesday, June 11, 2002

KELLY GOES SOLO
As part of The Osbourne Family's current job as World's Greatest Marketing Scam, Kelly Osbourne, daughter of heavy metal Grandpa Ozzy, unveiled her debut video on MTV a few minutes ago (at least that was the first time I saw it) - a cover of Madonna' Papa Don't Preach.

Will you hate me if I say it wasn't half bad?

Firstly, this could totally be a hit for the TRL crowd. Produced by Kelly's smug little brother Jack, the track shamlessly rips off the distorted vocal sound used on Pink's last hit single ("Get This Party Started"). And if you're going to steal - steal a hit, huh? With backing from a couple of guys in Incubus - who I'm guessing are in minute 12 of their career lifespan - the song rocks righteously and Kelly, for all her lack of training as a singer, pulls off an attitude. She's kind of a punky, pudgy Petulia Clark - the voice of an emotionally cool white girl trying to hide her pain and cry at the same time. She succeeds with a lot of weird, self-conscious pouting, closed fist dancing and a costume rack that drag queens I know would kill for.

Kelly, whose look says Fuck you Supermodels - I'm having a cheeseburger!, is hot in a Monica Lewinsky sort of way - a bit heavy, but still attractive enough (and let's face it, more teenage girls today resemble Kelly than the uber thin types like Britany or Mandy Moore). Kelly could be a role model for post-Monica generation of confused but well-fed youth - kind of like Ricki Lake before she got dull (and thinner). Good God, let's hope Kelly never lands a talk show! And let's also hope that Osbourne Mama and mogul Sharon never runs out of ideas on how to exploit her family. The world is a much more entertaing place when she's at the party.

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