Thursday, January 23, 2003


There's a book out there that needs to be written, and for some reason the Muse has tapped me to bring it to the world.

It's about shit.

Specifically, it's about shitting in your pants. Or on a chair that you drunkenly thought was a toilet. Or on your kitchen floor at 2 AM. Or in yourdriveway. Or in your pants on the 14th tee. (Some of you know very, very specifically about these things.)

My idea is to collect short (but importantly, all true) stories of adults hearing nature's call and not addressing it in the usual fashion. I will then rewrite the stories as I see fit, changing names to protect the soiled, and publish them with great fanfare under the title "Sh*t Happens." Or "Fecal Matters." Can't decide.

Call me crazy, but these stories crack me up. I know that if such a book existed, I would want it as a holiday gift, and I would keep it by the toilet for reading about it while doing it. The notion that I was safely in my bathroom while some poor woman crapped herself by the road in Texas while jogging at her in-laws' house -- well, somehow it just makes me
feel warm inside.

So here's what I ask of you. Tell me your stories. Tell me stories you know of personally that happened to your friends, as long we can find the person involved and verify the details. They can be stories of not making it to the toilet, of "gambling and losing", of filling your pants or soiling the roadway. Remember, real names will not be used.

Feel free to include as much detail as possible. Don't worry too much about the writing. I will want to give all of the stories a similar style. If you don't have time to write them, let me know you have one, and we'll figure out a way for you to just tell it to me.

And if you have friends you might have tales to tell, go ahead and send this e-mail to them, and forward their replies to me.

I will thank you all when I'm on Oprah.



I haven't decided if this idea ranks above or below Warren's stint as a writer on Uncle Buck. But if you have the urge to share your sphincter tales, send them to me and I'll forward them onward.

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