Tuesday, July 06, 2004

EBAY AS CHEAP THERAPY
A real auction - Surveillance video of my soon-to-be-ex-wife in a car. (co-starring her married boyfriend): captures man at his most honest. Yet as I type, there are no bidders.

Item Specifics - VHS
Genre:home movie
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Ok, this tape is not very clear or titillating. I honestly have not looked at it myself. It was taken by a private investigator who has been a friend of the family since before I was born. He took pity on me and did this work, when my wife, who for five years refused to go to counseling, and for three years after that refused to amicably divorce, and who at the time of the taping suggested that I continue to work my three jobs, buy a trailer and live in the backyard, (I need to take a breath, and I apologize to you English majors for the run-on sentence) began having an affair with a married man with whom she worked.

She respected this man. She said, 'All he needs is sex and to be fed to be happy, I can make a man like that happy' And she did. She would take food out of our freezer, go grocery shopping, look up flan recipes on the internet so she could cook him lunch at work. I would come home from work at 9:30PM many days to find that she had not fed our children dinner. 'He is a REAL MAN--he won't leave his wife, he just cheats on her. Why couldn't YOU be like HIM?' I thought confronting her with the knowledge of this affair would shame her and she would agree to the divorce. To that she replied, 'We are Latin, we cannot control ourselves.'

Did I mention that the tape was shot in broad daylight, around 3:30PM, in the parking lot of the neighborhood fitness center, which was right around the corner from where I was working. She was supposed to be picking-up my daughter from preschool, but at around the time she began the gym membership, her arrival time at preschool became later and later. My first suspicion was that after two months of every day at the gym, her ass was not getting smaller and smaller. Her behavior was even observed by a parent from the kids' school.

From what my private Dick reports, he could plainly see they were 'doing the deed', but that he wasn't very close when he shot the video and the footage is fuzzy. I do not believe you can identify either of them, so I do not think I am doing anything illegal. (I guess if you are reading this, Ebay agrees). I need to raise $6,000 to retain a new lawyer, and thought this might get me on my way. I am selling the one and only copy I have, as I have been told it is not going to help in my legal case. (NOTE: I HAVE BEEN ADVISED THAT I OWN THE TAPE, AND THAT I MAY SELL MULTIPLE COPIES, SO RATHER THAN TRY TO GET SOMEONE TO PAY $6,000 FOR THE ONE COPY (which I never really thought would happen) I AM LISTING 440 COPIES FOR SALE AT $25 EACH. THE ADDITIONAL $5000 WILL GO FOR A PRIVATE PSYCHOLOGIST TO WORK ON MY BEHALF THAT MY PROSPECTIVE ATTORNEY HAS RECOMMENDED I DO. I WILL FURNISH ALL BUYERS WITH COPIES OF BOTH RETAINERS.)

If this doesn't work, I hope at least I can amuse some people with my story. Even I must admit it's funny!

Thank you for listening and for bidding.

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